Update and Apologies

Hello friends!

Many apologies for the lack of updates in the last few months - Ben's been buying a house and Neil had a wedding to plan and execute. I, on the other hand, have nothing but laziness to blame for my lack of posts.

Next up in my list was the original Command & Conquer, a game I was mainly looking forward to because of it's mind-blowing installation screen which I remember my jaw dropping at when I first ran it, however, it doesn't work on 64-bit machines, and I found the web-only version too 'springy' on the old mouse interaction to play for any amount of time.

Next up is Command and Conquer 3 though, which Neil and I played extensively against each other, so I'll be starting on that tomorrow!

Happy New Year everyone!

DEAD! Neil returns from *REDACTED* only to die at sea

Neil here.

Where have I been? Well, I can't really say. Remember that huge nuclear attack that wiped out most of Europe last week? No? That's because I'm good at my job baby. Moving on...

Now where were we? Ah yes, Aquaria. Last time I scribbled about this I got nicely tucked into the opening hour of a seemingly inoffensive little indie number about swimming around a little underwater maze. Around and around and around I'd go, making little splashes and singing to aquatic fauna. Yey.

Dead! (Inside) - Black and White

Well, I don't know what to say really. I haven't died in the game, but I have died inside, and my enthusiasm for playing and writing about it is also close to death which is why, for the sake of the project, I've decided to just stop playing it.

Battlefield NOW!

It was supposed to be so damn beautiful. For our big Battlefield 2 event, the Ninth Life were to link up together, destroy noobs on-line and do so with a swagger and a video camera strapped to our faces. It was to push the boundaries of video game blogging and enter us into a new era of vidcasting and voice wording. So, to kick start this new venture, we chose an ancient game that was on-line and we'd never used the video capturing software before. NINTH LIFE, ASSEMBLE!

Death and the Letter 'A'

The last game of the A's for me is Audiosurf, but unfortunately it doesn't really fit this project well. Audiosurf is about beating high scores and climbing the global leaderboard, but failure isn't really possible in a 'death' sense, only in a 'not doing as well as you could have done' sense. I gave it a bash though, because why not?

First Project Update!

Firstly, we'd all like to thank you guys so much for your support for this project, and for taking the time read about us failing at games. We just hit over 30,000 views, across the internets, which is simply an incredible achievement for us. We love checking out the blogging stats in the morning and seeing where all the hits are  coming from!.

We've got lots of ideas on which direction we want to take it, but we're pretty new to all this blog malarkey, so we're learning as we're going. With that in mind, here is the first actual project update!

Aquaria - Sun, Sea, Sex

When starting this blog with Thom and Neil, I had assumed we would speed through our collection in record time. I mean, we're not the young gamers we used to be. Gone are the nights when you'd take it in turns to complete an endurance race in Gran Turismo, the 4am playthroughs of a newly released game, the endless 4-player goldeneye/mario kart sessions.

In fact, our average time per game played so far, on this blog, must be around the 15 minute mark. So we should be getting through the list quite quickly, right? 

However...at over 5hrs (and counting) Aquaria is surely going to screw that statistic.

Amnesia - Am-(better than)-Neilisyeah?

...And Ben. I'm better than him too. Although only because I knew what was coming because of his runthrough.

And did I mention my name is Brigadier Camembert? Because it is!

Let's do this.

No wonder I'm not scared with a name like that

Amnesia - Why Does This Seem Familiar?

These are some of the first words you see when you start Amnesia: The Dark Descent:

Amnesia should not be played to win. Instead focus on immersing yourself in the game's world and story.

Sorry, but no.

Splishy Splishy Splash Splash - A Lovely Game About Swimming

What a pleasure it was for my next game, a little indie effort named Aquaria (humble bundle strikes again I think) to see it make such a stark contrast to the previous title in my collection, which failed pretty hard to take my affections out and buy them dinner. Where the opening of that game made me want to just be done with it, Aquaria does a hell of a lot of things right from the off, which makes me wonder why I've only ever spent about 5 minutes with it before. But hey, that's what this blog is for right?

Dead! - Age of Empires 2: Joan Quixote

If there is one thing I've learned on my journey through the 'A's it's that I'm really bad at computer games. I've put in well over my 10,000 hours, I work for a computer games company and I play literally every day. Literally. Every. Day.
An hour every lunchtime, and probably two hours every evening except on rare occasions when I leave the house to play Ultimate.
This began to become apparent when I started playing with Ben and Neil online, but I always had the fact that those other players - the ones who were spanking me all over the battlefield or topping the scoreboard on my team - were obviously LOSERS WHO HAD NO LIVES, unlike me, with my twice yearly gig attendance to distract me. But this project has removed that excuse...
So with that in mind here's the tale of Joan of Arc's final days.

Amnesia - A Love Story : Also, DEATH!

DEFEAT! VICTORY!

This has by far been the most agonising experience I have ever had with a computer game. I've never had a stronger urge to not play a game in my life, yet this experiment refused to let me bow to my cowardice. So finally, after lots and lots of procrastination, I sat down last night (NIGHT!!) and decided that I wasn't leaving my chair until this sucker was done.

Amnesia - Now, Where Was I...?

When I left you yesterday, I had progressed down a corridor. That's it. That was my entire journey through the game and into the warm embrace of cowardice. The video took longer to upload to YouTube than it did to record. However, bolstered by familiarity, I'm back, and ready to show the forces of darkness just exactly what I'm made.... OK, so, I last slightly longer this time.

Amnesia & The Failed Art of Manning Up

So, here we are.

As some of you may know, I've been dreading my second game for quite some time. My first encounter with it was brief. Words were said, all of them I fully meant. However, for the purposes of this experiment I now have posterity spurring me on, so, here we go with Amnesia - Dark Descent!

Skyfall'd - This Is The Way The World Will End

Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!

Red bulbs all around me and flashing at full pelt, there's a dead guy on the floor, and I'm trapped in here with him, in what looks like some kind of fancy hospital. Things are looking dire, and I'm not even at the 60 second mark in my Alpha Protocol caper. Will Neil escape and set the world to rights? Or is there likely someone else who could have done it better?

Alpha Proto-YOUR FACE! BAM! CUFF LINK ADJUST!

Here we go.

In my first not-Amnesia adventure, I'll be setting an end to global terror, preferably without being spotted, in my attempt to clock a game I barely scratched the first time round. Surely there will be bombs, nay, NUKES, foreigners with big angry face muscles, mysterious figure heads who smoke massive cigars, fast cars, and lady spies failing to cover up their undergarments. LETS ROCK!

'A' is for Procrastination

Bastard.

'A' is for 'Alpha Protocol'

JASON BOURNE RPG! YEEEEAAAAHH!...

...was my first reaction to Alpha Protocol, as I'm pretty sure was the original pitch. As ever a victim of the Steam Daily Deals, yours truly grabbed it for the price of half a mild. No matter which way you swing it, that's a bargain. If I was to boot it up, loath it to its blackened soul, and stalk the developers stroking guns afterwards, that's still a form of entertainment in itself, so it was a no-brainer.

Quick Save / Quick Load

You were my friends. Always there. Every time I was to jump over a deceptively easy gap, you got my back, Quick Save. I knew that if I fumbled my steps or a game designer had stuck some  collision down and determined I shouldn't go there, you and your buddy Quick Load, would get me back to where I was.

If I saw a large enemy with obvious weak spots, we'd have a pep talk, then I would try and take him down. Sometimes it wasn't a problem, and the talk seemed like a waste of time, but more often than not, you picked me up when I fell.

If I said the wrong thing in a conversation, I could call on you to undo it all and make sure I got the best (read; correct) ending.

In fact, Quick Save and Quick Load, you are my best mates in the world of video games.

Tipping the hat, and slagging Deus Ex

"Well you can FUCK OFF!"

But I digress.

Aside from worrying about first impressions, the first thoughts to creep into my mind-brain when going over the idea were a) "Can I write worth a damn?" (short answer, not really!) and b) pure fear at having to replay some of my library that I haven't said hello to in years (if at all).