Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Tipping the hat, and slagging Deus Ex

"Well you can FUCK OFF!"

But I digress.

Aside from worrying about first impressions, the first thoughts to creep into my mind-brain when going over the idea were a) "Can I write worth a damn?" (short answer, not really!) and b) pure fear at having to replay some of my library that I haven't said hello to in years (if at all).

Nostalgia is a terrible for thing for video games, for me at least. Like the disappointment of an over-hyped summer tent-pole at the movies, fond memories are often met with frustration when revisiting old classics.

This is rarely due to poor game design or terrible mechanics, all of which were clearly up to scratch the first time, hence their classic status. It's the little touches. The small golden nuggets of design that only surface after years of iteration  Imagine going back to an RTS title now, pre-Command & Conquer's drag select box? HORRIFYING!

Attack! Ok, now you, ATTACK! And you, see like he's doing, ATTACK!

Any PC gamer worth a damn will wax on about how Deus-Ex is one of the greatest games of all time, yet I find it incredibly hard to go back and remain as satisfied as I was.

It's biggest crime for me is the combat. Now, I'm a stealth guy, I love stealth games more than anything, and at this, DE1 still performs admirably. However, I'm also a sucker for breaking loose every once in a while and killing everything within square mile as violently and as horribly as I can for no reason. (Whiterun, once again, sorry). However, DE1 carries some of the worst first person violence from any game in memory, restricting me to playing it the 'proper' way, and also allowing Human Revolution to take my affections in it's place. Fighting proctology survivors with guns that sound like they were recorded in a match box is quite the reverse of satisfying head popping.

Thrilling to say the least.

Personal Note: Reconsider criticising Deus-Ex 1 as an opening statement on a PC-focused games blog.

Thankfully, we'll be going back through a games catalog that is more up to date than some (mostly as I didn't stop chewing, wiping up, or using discs as a coaster until well into my late teens) but never the less diverse. Thanks to the miracle of digital distribution, my PC is now flooded with triple A splat fests and niche indie games a plenty, which will hopefully give a wealth of fodder for the experiment (research? prank? Time killer?).

There are a few in particular that I'm dreading. One that comes to mind is Plants Vs Zombies, mainly because of the shear amount of man hours that will be required before a fail screen can be reached. Never before has such a push over been so addictive, yet it will be more than a few shaves before I can cobble together a text wall about that one.

Another is Saint's Row the Third. I can't play Saint's Row the Third. I can control it yes, but I can't squeeze any normal narrative from it, as this game gleefully stuffs shotguns and hand cannons in every pocket, right from the start, and drops you in a world of unarmed pedestrians and trigger happy law enforcers. The temptation is too much for my small mind to resist, and that one will be a violent, unhinged account of the shortest criminal career ever undertaken, but, shall hopefully end in a hilarious tally of innocent deaths. Ah games.

Finally, there is Amnesia - The Decent. After buying it, I installed and booted it up. In broad daylight, and with sound from my speakers. Upon starting it, I cooed at the way you can open drawers, only to hear a door swing open in front of me of its own accord.

"Well you can FUCK OFF!" I calmly said to my monitor, quit the game, and uninstalled.

Fuck knows when this horrific discovery is made, I never made it through the first door.

Playing Amnesia will no doubt result in some kind of speed run attempt with my eyes closed (at which I'm sure records will be broken) shoving past demon horrors and nightmarish skinny eyed men like the dash for the woopsie cart at the supermarket.

Remember kids, "He who runs away, gets to run away another day!"

Hi, I'm Neil, and I'll be your resident pussy.

Quick Pro Tip: Doing an image search for 'tip my hat' produced a picture of a large breasted woman milking a penis. You learn something new every day.


  1. I think you can pretty much find a picture of a enlarged mammary female attending to a penis with just about any google image search these days (assuming safe search is set to off).

    Nice write up btw, I look forward to your future gaming travails.

  2. There's a 'safe search'?!

    Where's the danger in that!

  3. Boss blog mate, can't wait to see some more. I notice Battlefield 3 isn't in your list of games to play? Isn't that cheating? ;)

  4. Nope, it's a case of me forgetting to add boxed games to my list! WE'RE OFF TO A TERRIBLE START!

  5. We can add stuff in if we forget, just as long as they're not new purchases. Go Neil, Go!